Friday, June 8, 2012

Being Broken

About a month ago, I broke my foot dancing. I landed a jump wrong and felt the fracture ripple through my body. It was a very unique experience; I actually felt as though I was the bone that was breaking. It was a deep and unusual sensation. I have sprained, I have strained, and I have torn, I have felt those pains, and now, I have felt the pain of a break.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am an avid dancer; I was born to be on stage. When I broke myself I was rehearsing for a performance with Brigham Young University- Idaho’s Dance Alliance. The team works together for 8 months and puts on two shows on campus, then travels for two weeks to cap off the experience. So, being a member of the team with a broken foot has been my personal hell. Almost everyone I have encountered has expressed how impressed they are by my positive attitude and cheerful demeanor throughout the healing process. However, no one has seen the terrible heartbreak that I feel every day. No one has recognized that beyond my smile, beyond my words, there is a sorrow deeper than they could imagine. No one has witnessed my insecurity, my vulnerability, the feeling as if part of me had died; no one has witnessed that, until now.
I have felt more pain in this past month than I ever could have imagined. I have faced more challenges and difficulties in this past year than I would ever wish on anyone, not even my most despised enemy. My body, mind, and spirit have been broken, both literally and metaphorically, and tonight, I cried. I have shed more tears in the last eight months than I think I have in my entire life. Not one of these tears was as cleansing as those I cried tonight. With each tear I addressed my feelings; my hopes, my dreams, my successes, my failures. I let myself open up, and I mended what was broken.
To those who feel broken, lonely, and like there is no end. I promise, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Gordon B. Hinckley, former President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints once said, “Love is more than a paper heart. Love is of the very essence of life. It is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yet it is more than the end of the rainbow. Love is at the beginning also, and from it springs the beauty that arches across the sky on a stormy day” (And the Greatest of These Is Love, Mar. 1984). As long as there is one person around to love you, you can make it through, and there is always at least one: Jesus Christ.
You can do it!
 Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.


  1. I love you so much! You are quite the deep, insightful, and amazing young women. I'm proud of your attitude and strength through this hard time! And guess what, it's okay to cry. Call me if you feel the need to chat, vent, or whatever! I sure miss you!

  2. aw, baby cousin, it's okay! i can't imagine, but i'm really glad you were able to let it out. and even though the sad feelings will surely come back, even full force, you can remember that you got through last night. and you can get through anything. and I love you too!!